Uh

I had a rough pregnancy with Adeline.
Like, really rough.

So rough that I even considered never getting pregnant again.

That seems to present a problem seeing as I love babies, and the whole newborn thing and all.
I've been wanting another little one for a couple of weeks now, but I'm not at all wanting to be pregnant.
I really just can't see being sick and unable to move like I was when I was pregnant before.
I have a toddler to run after, and I surely can't do that if another pregnancy is like my first.

Philip and I were/are ALWAYS on top of birth control.
Like extra-extra careful using 2-3 methods of bc sometimes.

Then he went offshore, and by the time he walks in the door we found ourselves in many  "heat of the moment" situations.
We still took preventative measures --most of the time.

Okay so we had a couple of slip ups this last go round.
Each resulting in me very near tears and terrified of  "WHAT IF I GET PREGNANT!??????????"

My kind, patient husband responds by talking to my belly in the way he used to when Adeline was in it.
(Note to men: DO NOT, I repeat-- DO NOT talk to an UNpregnant woman's stomach as if she were with child. Don't feel good.)

So he's been prancing around the house teasing me and talking about what we're going to "name" her, and telling Addie she's going to have a little sister. All the while I'm telling him that I'm not pregnant and there is no "her".

Meanwhile, for the last week, my head has been spinning in a million different directions.
-What am I going to do if we are pregnant? I can't be sick and take care of Adeline, and Philip's gone for 2 weeks at a time so I'll have to soldier up whether I like it or not.
-What OB will I even go to, I hated my last one?
-I really can't be pregnant right now seeing as I haven't lost the 20lbs I've gained since I've been pregnant for my first.
-That would mean twice the diapers.
-We'll have to buy another crib, and [gasp] move my craft room.
-What if Philip's offshore when I go into labor?
-This baby could be born too close to Christmas and Adeline's birthday. Christmas in Dec, baby in Jan, and Addie in Feb=too much?
-How do you take two young kids shopping?
- and on and on and on.............
Okay I know.
I'm a freak and obsess over what I cannot control.

I guess I just felt totally out of control for this.
We tried for Adeline.
I knew I wanted to get pregnant, and we tried in the beginning of May, and found out we were pregnant at the end of May.
This one I didn't even get to have the control. (See I just said this one.)
So spontaneous- so not me.

and then the idea started to grow on me.

then I pictured Adeline finally having a playmate.
I remembered I'd be breastfeeding again.
I blocked out all of the sleepless nights and replaces them with newborn baby cuddles.
I imagined my baby as a big sister.

then I remembered I'd have to be pregnant for 9 months in order to do all of that and changed my mind again.
and again
... and again....

so I took a pregnancy test this morning....

and it was negative.

I don't know how to feel about it.
I'm relieved, and disappointed.
and a little emotionally exhausted.

Then I told Philip since he was CONVINCED he "knocked me up".
and he reminded me that he's only been home for a week and a half, and that it was probably too early to even know.

(I have no idea when my last period was because since we aren't trying I don't even keep track of that).

So there.
Why I even wrote about all of this?
I don't know.

Because now all of the family and in-laws that stalk my blog are probably going to start talking and it'll be all awkward because I know they always do......
but I felt the need for it to be somewhere.
There it is.

I don't know what I even got out of that.

Okaygottagobye.