I've always called myself a Christian, but I've never lived it until now.
I didn't grow up reading the Bible or knowing Jesus.
I just grew up trying to do good things and being a good person thinking that's the ticket to heaven.
I'd often pray to God for something only really trying to bargain with him and make a deal.
"Dear God if you can just make Philip and me be together I promise I'll start going to church...."
I specifically remember this prayer that I prayed around 14 or 15, probably because I got what I wanted, but never held up my end of the deal. That was usually how the bargain prayers went.
Philip and I decided we wanted to start our family in May 2008. I got off of my birth control on May 9th, and we found out we were pregnant on May 28th of that month.
I had hyperemisis for this pregnancy too, and as I've kind of touched on before it's a physically and mentally exhausting condition.
I remember probably around 11 weeks pregnant I was 6 weeks into being dehydrated, not keeping food or water down, and just being miserable.
I was hovering over the toilet begging God to make it stop.
I didn't care what had to happen for it to stop, not even if I didn't have to be pregnant anymore, and although it was painful to say out loud. I think I did.
2 weeks later I had what they called a threatened miscarriage.
There was a tear in the placenta, and Adeline was given a 50% chance of surviving, which leaves the other 50% chance.....
I. hated. myself.
I knew it was my fault, I knew I'd indirectly asked for it, and I knew that I didn't even deserve the one thing I used to want so badly.
I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.
and I didn't even really know who I was praying to.
Obviously I knew I was praying to God, but by no means did I know Him.
I was put on pelvic rest.
I was taking 21 hours of college courses walking across campus daily.
My parents who had been together for 22 years were getting a sudden and unexpected divorce.
I was still sick every day.
and the thought of losing our baby haunted me every hour I was awake, and even some when I was asleep.
I was depressed, I was lonely, and I didn't know what to do other than to pray to a God I didn't know.
I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I'd ever seen, and I knew I owed it to her to give her to God.
She needed to grow up learning about Him and getting to know Him in a way that I'd never experienced.
Actually I needed that for me too.
I'd imagine her asking me questions, and I knew I'd be unable to answer them.
I knew that as a parent my duty was to give her all of the information, love, and knowledge I possibly can so that she can make decisions in a way that He would be proud of.
My husband knew my desire to learn and know, but he's had deeper struggles with the Lord than I ever could even imagine. He was reluctant at first, but when Adeline was 2 months old, and we decided that we'd start going to church.
So we went every Sunday 9am.
We sat down, we listened, we left, and we repeated next Sunday.
and for a while I felt like I was doing the right thing.
I was being a good mom, a good wife, and a good woman.
That's what I thought.
Then we were invited to a young marrieds bible study.
We loved it.
and I'm saying WE!
It wasn't just me anymore that was anxious to go deeper, but Philip actually was the one encouraging our going and learning and praying.
He took a real leadership role in our journey, and for that I'm so thankful to God for.
I eventually joined a few ladies bible studies, and while I was really trying to commit myself, I was just doing what I needed to do to appear as though I was doing the right thing. I'd scan through the study lessons and write only the minimum of what I thought and only what I considered might be looked at by others in the group during the next lesson.
I can blame that on "being new to this" or "not understanding", but I knew I wasn't commiting myself to my fullest potential, and I was kind of afraid to.
I liked my life the way it was, I was blessed and taken care of, and happy and having fun.
I felt like I didn't want to rock all of it.
I'm so glad I did.
I've got so much more to learn, and so much more to do, but I can honestly, genuinely say that I know Jesus and I love him with all of my heart.
I used to think the Bible was difficult to understand, intimidating, and out of date.
The more I dig into it now the more I am amazed at how relevant it is, and how graceful and beautiful the Word of God is.
Every night that I learn more, I just want to call someone and tell them how exciting these words are, and how much He loves us.
I'm becoming so much more confident in teaching my children why we're here and what we're supposed to do, and I'm becoming so much more confident in who I am in general.
God has really allowed me to learn my soul, and I've learned so much about my husband too.
We are so intensely blessed, and I am beyond excited as we keep getting deeper into learning our Lord.
I guess I've just been extra excited about it lately, so I felt like sharing.
This is my blog where I share what I do, think, and love.
and while sometimes it may not be popular or cool this is my spot and I do with it what I want.
and today I wanted to really just share with you how happy He has made me and our family and how grateful I am for Him.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. :)
Have a beautiful day!