Goodbye, Gracie.

My heart feels really heavy as I'm beginning to write about a hard subject for me. 

We lost our first baby, Gracie last week. 

She was our beloved Labradoodle. Really she was more of our baby than our dog.

It's really hard to talk about because it's something that brings me a lot of hurt and pain. 

If you're not a dog lover, you may not understand.

and if you are a dog lover, and you don't treat your dog like a real live human baby with a spot in your bed, on your couch, and at your table, you may not understand.

But if you've ever been to my home, seen her pictures on our walls, stroked her 60lb body as she sweetly and excitedly jumped into your lap, then you know how much our family loved her.

I've watched my husband carry her huge hairy body into bed for 4 years, and last week I had to watch him carry her lifeless body to her favorite spot in the yard where we buried her. 

You know, some people say when recalling traumatic events, "I can't remember.. it's all such a blur."

The  night Gracie died is not a blur in my mind. In fact I can recall every single heart wrenching detail, and continues to haunt my thoughts. 

 I keep praying for God to continue to heal our hearts and to dull the awful memories of that terrible night.

I have never cried for so consistently long.

I miss her terribly.

My throat feels constantly swollen from holding back tears when my daughter asks for or refers to her 10 times a day even at a week later.

There are plates on the table after dinner full of left over food just waiting for Gracie to have the go ahead to finish. 

My walk to the  mail box every afternoon during the kids' nap times is so lonely.

There is no eager happy dance when I walk in the door to an empty house anymore. 

There is no huge mass sleeping on my knees when I wake up in the morning. 

I miss my dog. So. bad. 

We had her while we were building this house, and she's been here every moment we've lived in it. 

I guess that's maybe why my house just doesn't even feel like home right now. 

We're doing better and better day by day. 

I cry a little less every day that passes, but I just seem to keep missing her more and more. 

I keep imagining what she'd be doing if she were here right now, and sometimes I even let myself imagining how much I'd hold and hug and love on her if she just walked in the room right this second. 

Philip and I share a lot of funny, sweet, and loving memories with this crazy girl, and she has a tender spot in our hearts that is so aching for her right now. 

Gracie brought so much joy to our young married lives, and although she was only here for 4 years, they were the best four years of my entire life. So for that, I'm thankful.

So things are very different now in our house. 

There's still long black hairs here and there. 

Adeline's toys laying around that Gracie would try to steal from time to time. 

Scatch marks in the front door curtain from her inability to contain her excitement for company. 

All of that will go away over time, 

but Gracie will always be a big goofy, sweet smile in my heart.