Settling

So I took a picture of this super cool Pinterest insipired jar full of glitter [that I couldn't stop swirling around.] I wanted to share with my blog how cool of an idea it was and how much it's worked and made a difference in our house.

I mostly told Adeline it was to help her settle down when she was angry, but really I like purple and sparkly things and its pretty and distracts me from pulling my hair out or washing dishes or something like that. True story.

We kind of loved this jar.
Until Gideon grabbed it off of the table last night and while he was running away from us laughing at his defiance and sneaky glass swiping tactics-- he tripped.

and my entire living room was instantly spread with shards of glass, water and glue, and purple glitter.

Oh and I flipped a lid.

Like screamed for everyone to freeze and not move until I can get to you.
No one listened.
and they all scrambled around in the chaos.
Adeline: "MY SETTLING JAR GIDEON BROKE MY SETTLING JAR I LOVETHATJARHOWCOULDYOUGIDEONI'MSOMADINEEDTHATJARRIGHTNOWBUTITSBROKEN...................."
Gideon: "Uh oh. Bwoke. MAAAAAAMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Selah: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OMG MY MOTHER PUT ME DOWN AND EVERYONE IS SCREAMING WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Scarlet: hmm let me prance through broken glass and glitter, I've never done that before. Durr der derrrr

and then I sent everyone to bed with no book and no prayers and no clean teeth
just so I could scrub glitter out of my grout for 40 minutes while Selah screamed and I knelt in broken glass pieces that seemed to multiply and cut my knees and palms as I picked them up.

Yea not my finest mom moment.
and I have a lot of those moments here lately.

While much of my day is sweetness and tenderness and love

and adorable little people who call me Mommy...

equal parts of my days are in need of mercy.

I do not have it all together, and it's hard for me to be okay with that.
I have plans in my head and I try my best to physically execute them, but the truth is they very rarely ever go according to schedule.
This season in my life is teaching me to give up the control and hand it over to God.
Continual struggle.

You know 
Sometimes when I hear people say, "The Lord spoke to me... "
My mind sometimes wanders right after that statement because I always kind of turn to an acting scenario in my head where Jesus comes down and personally has an audible conversation with someone.
I always want to interrupt with something like, "yea since He talks to you could you tell Him to hit me up on my cell? I've got a few things I want to address with Him."

I heard a song the other day and something in the lyrics was like "if you touched my face would I know you?"

wow. Convict me now.

I am a Christian.
I am a child of Jesus Christ himself.
I am redeemed by his sacrifice for me through His blood on the cross, and he is my Savior.

But if he was talking to me, would I recognize his voice?

Through all of the business and the babies and the choas that all both give me so much love and so much chaos, can I hear Him?

On my knees cleaning glitter last night I cried.
Mostly because I was running on 6 hours of sleep, and I miss my husband who works insane hours.
Somewhat because Selah was screaming because I put her down and Adeline was chanting over and over from her bed "I miss my daddy, he's my favorite parent."
and really I just felt really guilty for not being able to do it all, do enough, and have the relationship with Jesus I'm thirsty for myself.

I straight up just prayed for rest.
God give me rest tonight.
Please.

and as I know He does.
He heard me.
and this momma slept until 7am.
Praise you Jesus. Praise you!

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but what I'm trying to say is that I was raw right there on my knees.
Plenty to distract me plenty to upset me.
But I turned to Him and He gave me rest.
and today I was able to smile past Gideon headbutting me in the nose and me leaking through my nursing pad at a meeting full of other people. Rested, I was able make it to a doctors appointment for myself, Gideon, a meeting at church, back home to fix lunch, and then Adeline to dancing.
I was able to let ten thousand things go that did not go my way today.
Because I had rest in Him.

and I am reminded again what a loving God I serve.
and while I go through the motions sometimes, I can always stop.
and be still in Him where he is faithful to me.
Little ole me in this big ole world.

It's old news, but it continues to amaze me over and over again.