Thursday, June 14, 2012

Heart Rambles.

You know how sometimes you're in the middle of doing something and all of a sudden your filled with a nostalgic sense of surreal?
My whacked out brain has been going there a lot lately.

Like in my desperate attempts to find a babysitter while I go to doctor's appointments, I exhaust a few options, passively beg others, and rejoice at the sweet poor soul who suffices. Last week after that moment of victory I thought to myself, man. We used to go. A lot.
and not to the doctor either.
to shows and malls and cities and restaurants and fairs and festivals and wherever the wind blew us we went. Without any responsibility anywhere else, but to be safe on the road, which I can only imagine we were absolutely not. 
Anniversaries, special dates, and surprises were spontaneous and rarely planned.
The biggest thing tying us down was being young kids in a grown up world. 

When was that transition?
Well obviously that was about 4 years ago when good ole' Philip knocked me up for the first time, but sometimes I can close my eyes put us in a scene and feel like it was really last weekend.

I knew I wanted to be here someday, but that day came fast.

Philip comes home from work to little feet trampling other little feet to tackle him and smother him with drooly affection.

Sometimes that's strange.
I mean, really it's completely normal, but he used to just belong to me.
Now I share him with these little people we made together.

I remember sometime in November I thought to myself I hadn't seen a cycle in a while. I ran out and bought a pregnancy test to check and make sure, but I knew it'd be negative. We weren't trying, and really there was no possible way I could be pregnant. I was still nursing Gideon and just figured I wasn't regulated yet with the nursing going on.

Sure enough, the test was negative.
and I was A-OK with that!!!

Fast forward about a month and a half.
It's December.
I'm laying on the couch while the kids nap.
Scarlet was just a little puppy and she was nestled on my chest.
I'm pretty sure Days of Our Lives was on the tv.
It was approximately 1 something and I was thinking of getting her up so I could get up and go switch a load of laundry and fix a glass of water with a straw in it.
She was cute so I stayed a little while longer petting her ear.

Then I had heartburn.
I remember thinking "Gollie what could I have eaten to give myself heartburn? I only ever get that when I'm...."
and the dog flew on the couch and I ran to the bathroom for that other pregnancy test which screamed pregnant as soon as I used it.

I've actually got a really weak memory.
I cannot remember word for word in conversation.
I'm never reliable on what someone wore or did at an event.
Memorizing literature, scripture, material is difficult for me.
I don't remember what I ate at my last meal.
My recall skills suck.
Except for a few select memories in my life where I couldn't dull the details if I tried.

When I found out I was pregnant for Selah I remember it as though it was yesterday.
I remember how I wondered what it was like to hyperventilate and if I was doing that or not.
I vividly remember how I paced in front of the back door and stubbed my toe on the iron from the bar stool chair which made me cry the ugly cry.
I remember how I wanted to rewind the day and never have the heartburn that prompted the test. 
I remember when Gideon woke up from his nap and through cloudy tears in my eyes I lifted him up and held him tighter and closer than I had in many months.

People say often referring to their babies or children that he/she was a surprise.
I always think, really?
How can you have a surprise?
I mean if you prevent it you don't get pregnant, if you don't prevent it you could end up with a baby. That's not a surprise, that's just logic.

But we got a surprise.
I got a shock.

and it seems like it's the shocking memories my mind saves best.
Last week as I was putting away laundry [that I so diligently folded after allowing it to sit in baskets for 2 weeks] . I placed down Adeline's "peeps" next to her socks at the right of her drawer and thought to myself I'd clear the left side out for some of Selah's clothes.
Before I knew it I had diapers and blankets and burp rags and little new born clothes all folded and ready for her on the dresser with a diaper changing pad on top.
I stepped back to assess my work, and shock punched me in the stomach.

It's not like I forget I'm pregnant, because Lord have mercy I know that every single minute of the day, but it was like the shock from that pregnancy test revisited my mind and shock reentered my system as I realized and envisioned another one of my babies, the one I haven't met yet here laying on that changing table in just a couple more months.

Another tiny baby amongst my other two tiny babies.
That makes three babies.

That happened really fast.
Sometimes I find myself in stupid, stupid moments where I'm overwhelmed and the control freak in me is shrieking at time's inability to follow suit to my own designated schedule.
Sometimes I find myself in disbelief of all the Lord has trusted me with.
Sometimes I feel so unworthy.
Sometimes I feel so filled with love for it all that I want it to stop before this too slips away from my grips.

I pray that we never leave the Lord's side.
I pray that no matter where I am in life I am right next to Philip.
Right where I feel safe.
Even when things change faster than my brain comprehends.

I've learned not to plan the future, that's God's job, not mine.
and I'm learning to be more in the present.
Because it has been said millions of times in millions of ways, but it changes and slips away so quickly.

Oh hey, don't mind me.
I'm crazy.

but for real.

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