Sunday, August 15, 2010

Here I Am.

My my, I bury myself away for a few weeks and your babies grow, your hair styles change, and you all continue living life.
Don't you know that when my world stops, the whole world should?
Haha no,  I've learned that isn't true.

Well here I am.
Sitting up in my bed.

It's true that I haven't been doing too well in the passed weeks, but I feel a bit of relief now that I've spent some time in the hospital and they've got me a little back on my feet. 

In the passed couple of months I haven't been anywhere besides the doctor and the hospital.
I haven't seen many people.
I didn't answer calls.
Rarely even read texts.
I didn't even.... open the lap top.

Yea, I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
There is no cure, and for me no effective treatment.
It effects on average only 1% of pregnant women, and as I tend to be... I am in the unlucky few.

It. is. miserable.

I had it while I was pregnant for Adeline, but I was undiagnosed.
This pregnancy I was diagnosed pretty early since the symptoms were raging and much worse much earlier than my previous pregnancy.

This illness took over my entire body and eventually my mind.
I was, and am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhuasted.

Throwing up just sucks.
For me, it's just as involuntary and now as normal as breathing.
I have my good days, where I'm sick all day, but I can manage to keep some form of nutrition down at some point in the day, and I'll only throw up 4-6 times.

Then I have my more frequent bad days where water doesn't even stay down, and I throw up 10-15 times.
Those days are rough.

Your stomach muscles become so tender.
Your regular muscles become so weak.
Your breath and mouth taste so disgusting you can't even open up to talk.
Your dizzy, and hurting, and tired but can't sleep without rolling over to be sick.

This illness puts me in such a bad and bitter place no one even wants to be around me.
and as much as it sucks, and I hate to admit it
that's when I need people around me the most.

I can't get off of the couch alone.
I can't throw up with out peeing all over myself. (I go through a lot of underwear.)
The simple task of moving to the bathroom is enough to raise my heart rate up so high that it feels as though my entire body is preparing itself for a heart attack.
I get so incredibly HOT.
I feel very, very alone.
Brushing my hair will leave my arms sore the next day.
The energy my body uses to take a shower accompanied with the heat from a shower is enough to make me pass out.
Hyperventilating is uncontrollable.

and then on the emotional side of things:
I felt crazy. No, real crazy.
Like "If I had the energy to say this out loud or even pick up my hand by myself right now I'd want to break every plate in the kitchen."
Really, I'd fantasize about breaking things, about screaming at people, about dark things and sometimes even not waking up.
I didn't want to be pregnant anymore.
I resented my baby.
I resented myself for ever even imagining that anything more than Adeline would fufill me more than I had already been.
I hated the dog only because she was heavy. If she were laying on my legs I just simply couldn't get up.
I spent every morning crying because I just woke up.
Then  I'd cry because I was  alone.
That would lead into crying because I couldn't be a parent. I couldn't be anything.
So my curtains stayed drawn and I stayed in bed until 10:30 just sitting in the dark crying.

My mother in law lives next door, so every morning she'd have to be the one to take Adeline out of her crib.
I couldn't even lift her anymore.
My sister had to spend the nights here. Feeding, bathing, and putting my child to bed were all now impossible tasks for me.

Philip was in Pennsylvania for the whole month of July.
That was when it was roughest.

I needed help, but I didn't want help.
I was mortified, gross, and no fun to be around.
No one wanted to be around me either, and who can blame them?

Last week I gave it all up and let them take me to the hospital.
It sometimes feels pointless with this illness because nothing helps.
Not the meds, not fluids, not rest.

I've been to the hospital with this before, and they pump you with fluids and send you on your way.

You still wake up feeling like crap.
and all you've got to show are a bunch of medical bills and sticky tape residue all over your arms.

I felt like it was my last resort.
My brain was in a bad place, and if I didn't get a change of scenery and some help soon I felt like I could have done something that I don't even want to think about anymore.

No history of depression.
Nothing. I just wasn't made to feel this way.

I felt as though God wasn't hearing my prayers and my pleas. I was becoming bitter and mad at him.
I felt like he abandoned me and my daughter.
I felt all kind of things.

"It will all be worth it in the end" seemed like fighting words to me.
Everyone said that to me.
No one knew that I just didn't want to hear that.

I had been vomiting blood for a few days, and passing out more frequently so what did I have to lose?

I'm glad I went.
I spent a few days in the hospital, and it helped.

I was throwing up blood because the stomach acid I'd been vomiting had worn away the lining of my throat and probably esophagus. I was passing out from being so dehydrated.
I'd lost 35 pounds from not being able to keep anything-anything down for 4 weeks.

I didn't need a doctor to tell me those things.

I already knew.
"You're just a rare case, and there's really just nothing more we can do for you."
Yea I know that.

My levels were low, and I let them keep me as long as it took to get them back up again.

With hyperemesis it always sucks, but if you're dehydrated-it REALLY sucks.
So yea,
I've healed my throat, and I'm staying hydrated.

It just feels as though I've been so robbed.
I can't do the things I normally do.
I can't enjoy being pregnant-at all.
I can't even begin to fathom going through this again, so I can't have the big family I dreamed about.

this is such a downer post, eh?

Hoping to be heading towards some better days.
I'm maybe 13 weeks by now?

Philip's home and he's been helping out so much.
He's proven to be such a great daddy through all of this, and Adeline's been so much happier now that he's around again for another couple of weeks.

I hope someone like me who is helplessly and hopelessly searching the internet for someone out there who feels the same as she does finds this blog entry.
It's hard to find someone to relate to with all of these foreign and pitiful emotions flushing your brain.

Hopefully I'll be happy posting some time again soon. :)


  1. I am SOO sorry dear. I wish I lived nearer to help you out! *hugs*

    Hang in there can make it. I hope things get better!

    I definitely haven't felt that badly, although I can relate to the extreme nausea and exhaustion! *hugs*

    You'll be in my thoughts!

  2. You do not have to worry about posting a "happy" post or for sharing your true feelings no matter what they are.

    Boy, are we on different sides of the coin or what? Both of us have had our beef with God this summer huh?

    I am SO sorry you are going through this. I am SO sorry this is taking you to the ground. But I do still feel a connection to you, because I have felt many of the same emotional feelings you have been feeling (like...exactly the same) but for a totally different reason.

    And let me tell you, there are no words anyone can say to fix it. We don't know why God puts us in miserable situations. It's so hard and you feel so alone. I hope you know that we are here for you. No matter what. Even if you take another months off blogging. Even if you take the rest of your pregnancy off, we will be here waiting to cheer you on whenever you are ready. You are in my prayers and I love you so much!

  3. I haven't read any blogs in about a week. I read in an email from a mutual friend, that you had posted, so here I came.

    Courtney. Nothing I could possibly say will ease your pain or make you feel better. But know that I'm thinking about you, and I think I felt physical pain, when imagining what you must be going through.

    Hang in there. What pathetic words I have to offer, huh?

    You are an OUTSTANDING mother, making a very difficult sacrifice for your family. In the end you'll come out 2938092834098x stronger. You'll eventually heal.

    I'm so glad to hear that the hospital was able to help. I hope that if you need to go back, which I'm assuming you will, maybe multiple times, that you'll go with ease, and let them at least try to help.

    Thinking of you, love.

  4. I am so so sorry you have been dealing with this. I have been thinking about you and wondering about you lately. It was odd not getting to see what new thing you made or what cute outfit Adeline was wearing. I hope that you start getting much better. As someone who has struggled/struggles with anxiety/depression, I know how it can be to not be mentally healthy. If you need a friend, you know my number. Love you!

  5. I can't even imagine going through what you are, and I am so glad you have such a supportive family to be there to help you when you need it most. I know this pregnancy can't come to an end faster for you. :( Don't worry about us, we will always be here for you. xoxox

  6. My Courtney Lynn, I am so glad to see you posting again. I am so sorry for what you have been through and are going through. I know how bad this has been on your body, mind & sould. You are a very tough woman, you wear your name well. And you are one of the best mothers I know! Momma loves you!!!

  7. Everytime I check my blog roll I pray that I get an update from you. I have been praying that you are ok.

    As I told you before, I have a friend who went through the same illness. I hate being sick and I can't imagine how utterly miserable that must be for you - BUT on the depression side - I've been there!

    When I was pregnant I started to suffer from pregnancy related depression - I don't even want to talk about the horrible thoughts I had during that time. Getting pregnant again scares the crap outta me b/c I don't want to go through those thoughts again while having another child to take care of. I don't think that there is a thought that you could have that would shock or suprise me because I'm sure I have thought them.

    Coming through the other side of it I know that it was the depression and not "me".

    Still praying for you and thinking about you and wishing we lived closer so I could in some way help you!

    Just hang in there....

  8. Oh Courtney. Sweet, sweet Courtney. You know I'm here if you need something. Juli is starting school this Friday so I will officially be free. If you need me to get you something from the store, brush your hair or sweep up a broken dish that you've thrown, I'm here! DO NOT hesitate to call or text me if you need something. I'm serious. I will now send you my phone number via facebook.

  9. No matter what I say will not make your pain go away, but please know I have been thinking about you and your family very often. Y'all have definitely been in our prayers and will continue to be.

    Never state that you are not a great mom because I have always looked up to you as being one of the greatest mom's out there. You are amazingly strong and I see that through your daughter as she grows.

    I wish nothing but the best for y'all and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

    Prayers are always with y'all!

  10. Oh dear....
    So glad hubby's home now!
    Keep holding on.

  11. oh my goodness!! how awful! i can't even imagine what you're going through. i'm glad your family was there to help you with adeline and that your hubby is home now. i can't believe there isn't SOME kind of medicine that they could give you to help... but what do i know?! you've been in my prayers and will continue to be!

  12. Wow. Thank you for your honesty. It was such a powerful post to read. All I have to say though is God has everything happen for a reason, so continue to put your trust in him!

    Take care!

  13. I'm so happy to hear you're okay. I've been thinking about you.

    My pregnancy was pretty nasty too. I'm sorry you are going though all of this. I can't wait to see this sweet little baby that comes out of this painful pregnancy. Kiss that Adeline. Night!