Here I Am.

My my, I bury myself away for a few weeks and your babies grow, your hair styles change, and you all continue living life.
Don't you know that when my world stops, the whole world should?
Haha no,  I've learned that isn't true.

Well here I am.
Sitting up in my bed.

It's true that I haven't been doing too well in the passed weeks, but I feel a bit of relief now that I've spent some time in the hospital and they've got me a little back on my feet. 

In the passed couple of months I haven't been anywhere besides the doctor and the hospital.
I haven't seen many people.
I didn't answer calls.
Rarely even read texts.
I didn't even.... open the lap top.

Yea, I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
There is no cure, and for me no effective treatment.
It effects on average only 1% of pregnant women, and as I tend to be... I am in the unlucky few.

It. is. miserable.

I had it while I was pregnant for Adeline, but I was undiagnosed.
This pregnancy I was diagnosed pretty early since the symptoms were raging and much worse much earlier than my previous pregnancy.

This illness took over my entire body and eventually my mind.
I was, and am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhuasted.

Throwing up just sucks.
For me, it's just as involuntary and now as normal as breathing.
I have my good days, where I'm sick all day, but I can manage to keep some form of nutrition down at some point in the day, and I'll only throw up 4-6 times.

Then I have my more frequent bad days where water doesn't even stay down, and I throw up 10-15 times.
Those days are rough.

Your stomach muscles become so tender.
Your regular muscles become so weak.
Your breath and mouth taste so disgusting you can't even open up to talk.
Your dizzy, and hurting, and tired but can't sleep without rolling over to be sick.

This illness puts me in such a bad and bitter place no one even wants to be around me.
and as much as it sucks, and I hate to admit it
that's when I need people around me the most.

I can't get off of the couch alone.
I can't throw up with out peeing all over myself. (I go through a lot of underwear.)
The simple task of moving to the bathroom is enough to raise my heart rate up so high that it feels as though my entire body is preparing itself for a heart attack.
I get so incredibly HOT.
I feel very, very alone.
Brushing my hair will leave my arms sore the next day.
The energy my body uses to take a shower accompanied with the heat from a shower is enough to make me pass out.
Hyperventilating is uncontrollable.

and then on the emotional side of things:
I felt crazy. No, real crazy.
Like "If I had the energy to say this out loud or even pick up my hand by myself right now I'd want to break every plate in the kitchen."
Really, I'd fantasize about breaking things, about screaming at people, about dark things and sometimes even not waking up.
I didn't want to be pregnant anymore.
I resented my baby.
I resented myself for ever even imagining that anything more than Adeline would fufill me more than I had already been.
I hated the dog only because she was heavy. If she were laying on my legs I just simply couldn't get up.
I spent every morning crying because I just woke up.
Then  I'd cry because I was  alone.
That would lead into crying because I couldn't be a parent. I couldn't be anything.
So my curtains stayed drawn and I stayed in bed until 10:30 just sitting in the dark crying.

My mother in law lives next door, so every morning she'd have to be the one to take Adeline out of her crib.
I couldn't even lift her anymore.
My sister had to spend the nights here. Feeding, bathing, and putting my child to bed were all now impossible tasks for me.

Philip was in Pennsylvania for the whole month of July.
That was when it was roughest.

I needed help, but I didn't want help.
I was mortified, gross, and no fun to be around.
No one wanted to be around me either, and who can blame them?

Last week I gave it all up and let them take me to the hospital.
It sometimes feels pointless with this illness because nothing helps.
Not the meds, not fluids, not rest.
Nothing.

I've been to the hospital with this before, and they pump you with fluids and send you on your way.

You still wake up feeling like crap.
and all you've got to show are a bunch of medical bills and sticky tape residue all over your arms.

I felt like it was my last resort.
My brain was in a bad place, and if I didn't get a change of scenery and some help soon I felt like I could have done something that I don't even want to think about anymore.

and 
I'M A HAPPY PERSON!
No history of depression.
Nothing. I just wasn't made to feel this way.

I felt as though God wasn't hearing my prayers and my pleas. I was becoming bitter and mad at him.
I felt like he abandoned me and my daughter.
I felt all kind of things.

"It will all be worth it in the end" seemed like fighting words to me.
Everyone said that to me.
No one knew that I just didn't want to hear that.




I had been vomiting blood for a few days, and passing out more frequently so what did I have to lose?

I'm glad I went.
I spent a few days in the hospital, and it helped.

I was throwing up blood because the stomach acid I'd been vomiting had worn away the lining of my throat and probably esophagus. I was passing out from being so dehydrated.
I'd lost 35 pounds from not being able to keep anything-anything down for 4 weeks.

I didn't need a doctor to tell me those things.

I already knew.
"You're just a rare case, and there's really just nothing more we can do for you."
Yea I know that.

My levels were low, and I let them keep me as long as it took to get them back up again.

With hyperemesis it always sucks, but if you're dehydrated-it REALLY sucks.
So yea,
I've healed my throat, and I'm staying hydrated.

It just feels as though I've been so robbed.
I can't do the things I normally do.
I can't enjoy being pregnant-at all.
I can't even begin to fathom going through this again, so I can't have the big family I dreamed about.

Gee,
this is such a downer post, eh?

Hoping to be heading towards some better days.
I'm maybe 13 weeks by now?

Philip's home and he's been helping out so much.
He's proven to be such a great daddy through all of this, and Adeline's been so much happier now that he's around again for another couple of weeks.

I hope someone like me who is helplessly and hopelessly searching the internet for someone out there who feels the same as she does finds this blog entry.
It's hard to find someone to relate to with all of these foreign and pitiful emotions flushing your brain.

Hopefully I'll be happy posting some time again soon. :)