Saturday, September 18, 2010

An All Over the Place Post

The last few days have been so achy for me. 
Like, I mean heart achy. 
I'm going to blame it on the hormones though, because I can do that right now. 

I always wanted more than 2 children. 
I feel like God made me to be a mommy, and I'm real good at it. 
After this pregnancy started off so brutal to my body and my mind, we decided for my safety and well being that this would be our last pregnancy.
Actually I mostly decided that as I practically all but signed my husband up for a vasectomy. 

Did I mention we're both only 23?
That's so sad to me to think by 23 years old I've married the love of my life, built an amazing love nest from the ground up, and had 2 beautiful babies. 
Isn't it sad that I find that sad?
I know they're happy things, but it makes me sad that it's all over.
It makes me sad that when this baby boy is born he'll be the last newborn of my own that I nurse and hold all day and all night. 
It's like surrendering a dream just a little before you're ready to wake up.

What a baby I'm being, I know. 
I've still got years and years of raising a couple of beautiful, happy children and I'm boo-hooing over the past going to quickly. I'm imagining if I'm this sentimental about it now, that the older I get the worse the heart strings pull.

I've been taking it so slow for the passed couple of days. 
Adeline's had way too many kisses, and I will admit that last night as I watched her sleep I got my own tears on her cheek. 
When she was a baby she slept with her arms and feet out in snow angel-making position. 
Now she sleeps booty in the air, thumb in the mouth.
Last night when I went in to check on her she was all sprawled out like my little tiny baby girl used to sleep, and I completely lost it. 

Those little girl clothes that are packed up because I couldn't part with them are going to be painful to give away or put away. Every little tiny onesie has a memory, and I've got a huge whelping lump in my throat just thinking about it parting with some of them. 

This will pass, I'm sure. 
I just sometimes feel like time won't let me savor it.

I look at my precious daughter and think that while it hurts to look at her now and realize how big she's gotten and how much I miss that little innocent baby she was, I know that in a few years I'll be missing and wanting these fun toddler years back.

I just keep praying for God to ease my irrationalities and help me savor each minute as it passes. 

I miss Philip too.
One more week, and I cannot wait to put my arms around him. 
I imagine it almost every day. 
Just to be hugged again.
and a kiss won't hurt. :)
I can't wait until he sees how long Adeline's hair is, and I can't wait until he gets to see her new and improved itsy bitsy spider. I can't wait until we get to go on the fishing trip he made me promise to ask my doctor was okay to go on. I can't wait to have to start checking to make sure the toilet seat is down in the middle of the night. A month is just a long time for me.

Okay. I'm finished whining now, I'm sorry.

In other news, I may not have a baby anymore, but I do have a little helper:
Now if she could only do the dishes.

Oh yea, I ordered baby brother some of his first clothes. 
[Thanks Old Navy baby sale]
Boy clothes shopping isn't quite as fun as girl clothes shopping, but I was still so giddy to be... shopping
$5 each. Not bad! I also got 3 plain onesies to get creative on and a pair of pants. 
Squiggy also got a couple of sweater dresses and some skinny jeans. 
Love Old Navy! 

OH! and Philip said when he gets home that we can buy some game tickets for October! I've never been to a Saint's game, and we've been dying to go so I'm super stoked. How fun its going to be to be in the dome for a game instead of at home on the couch!

The fabric store my sister works out was having a sale on fabric too, so I picked up enough to make Adeline's Thanksgiving dress, a Christmas dress, and some burp clothes for new baby. [Do you know how hard good boy names are to find? I seriously can't find ONE that I love.]
I have some really cute ideas for his nursery, but first Philip has to come home and help me clean out the room. I can't wait to show you what I'm going to do with it!

Yay! I better go get started on my Saturday. 
I've got a lot of fun projects I'm eager to get started on.
Have a great weekend ya'll!


  1. I've been reading your blog for a while now but this is my first comment. First off, let me say your little girl is sooooo cute and congrats on the little man you have on the way.

    I can relate a lot to this post as I was in the same postion a few months ago. I have a 2.5 year old daughter (Sophie) and we just welcomed our own little man (Noah) two months ago. We knew we only wanted two kids so when my son was born, I had my tubes tied (I'm only 25). It was a really big, hard decision to make and it totally leaves you with the sense that a major part of your life is over. No more pregnancy, no more tiny babies who need you for everything. But at the same time, at least for me, it allows me to enjoy my children so much more and focus on the future with them. It's bitter sweet but I know it was the right decision for us.

    Sorry this turned into a novle but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Good luck with everything and enjoy every second.


  2. OMG you're having a boy?? WOot woot! Congrats! Boys are fun. I hope to have a boy and girl too, but if not that is fine too. :)
    And I wanted to let you know that I can totally relate. We are only having two because two is all we can a) afford to have and b) all we can barely fit in our tiny old house. We decided a long time ago that we were only going to have two. Now here comes the present me... although I still know we are only having two, it makes me sad. I'm 33, so you know as I get older there are bigger risks, so when we have #2 I'm going to soak in every moment. It hit me last month that M is not a baby anymore, and I got really sad over the thought of only caring for one more baby. I'll only hold a tiny baby one more time. Whenever I see a baby now I get all mushy and sad inside. We are waiting to try for #2 for another year and half because I decided I wanted to wait, and really live in the moment with M. This is it. SO I can relate because there is nothing greater then being a mom. I just absolutely love it, and cherish every moment even the tantrums. xox

  3. i'm 27 with my first... so was kind of getting the "uh-oh... i'm going to be too old to have kids!!" jitters... but i think what you're going thru is normal. it seems like the best decision for you now... however, perhaps you will want to NOT do something so permanent (vasectomy/tube tying). there are other ways to prevent--but i guess that may take a little more effort. so it depends on what you're up for!!

    my sister has 3 littles (ages 9, 7, 4) and she gets the "baby bug" now and then... but it helps for her to have some friends and family around her who are having babies so she can get her "baby fix" without having another!