Selah Soon

There's a lot on my heart right now.
So much I could write on and on about.

Selah's name is believed to mean: "to pause and listen" or "to meditate upon" or "to praise and lift up". The word is found most commonly through the book of Psalms and although the Hebrew word isn't used as a name, we chose it to name our precious daughter with.

In light of her name, I've been trading in my psycho/emotional temperament with a more peaceful, reflective one.
I am guilty of spontaneously switching with little to no warning, though, sorry.

Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
Selah. Psalm 4:4

Selah wasn't on my carefully planned and neatly organized calander, but she was on God's.
Thank you Lord.
I've carried her for 40 full, hard weeks and now as the end of this season is approaching and a new one excitedly peeking I find myself trying to really dig deep for lessons the Lord has taught me and is trying to teach me through the hardship of pregnancy for me and my family.

I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill. Selah. Psalm 3:4

I am so thankful, so thankful. He chose me.
I am so blessed for his presence throughout these hardships.
I am so honored to be a child of God. 
Patience and faith and all of the tests are worth it--she is worth it, and very soon we finally get to meet the fruit of all of this labor... no really I've been in "early labor" for days, home girl will undoubtedly be here in a matter of days.

I am so full of gratefulness, and really jam packed with excitement, smothered with overemotional anticipation. Praying for the Lord's blessing and favor over what we hope to be a smooth labor. Praying for a healthy baby girl ready to get in on a whole lot of lovin.

Praying to a God that is so immeasurably good.

Salvation belongs to the Lord. Your blessing is upon Your people. Selah. Psalm 3:8

Praying in Faith

Our bible study group did Beth Moore's Mercy Triumphs bible study this spring.
I was so excited to dive into this one because I often feel like Beth Moore has a way of connecting with my brain so that I can fully understand and explore what the Word has to say to my heart.

I went into over achiever mode and planned to take this study on with all of it's challenges and really immerse myself in the book of James.

I failed miserably at that.
I had so many things going on in my personal life and so many strongholds involving my own struggles.
I wish I could tell you her study was amazing and life changing, but I wouldn't know.
I sped through the assignments, if I even got around to them.
I watched the video sessions in few minute increments while I kept the kids from jumping off of furniture or destroying toys.
The end of the study approached in March when my friend, our group leader, asked what we got most out of the book of James.
I had nothing. Really? Nothing.
Way to go Courtney.

I have this ugly habit of not being present when my mind is overloaded. I'm 'listening' to you talk about cupcakes, but what I'm really thinking about is about 42 levels deeper than cupcakes or 72 levels lighter than sprinkles colliding with distraction leaving that thought unfinished and another briefly visited before I interrupt it with a courtesy nod so you don't think I'm ignoring you.
My mind is a weird place, I think.

Anyway, I've owed James a revisit. I mean a clear-minded, hearty intentional visit.
So I've been going over the book over and over again piece by piece. 5 chapters can go by quickly, but dissecting them has been enjoyable and consuming.
This is so powerful:

 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that gives to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given to him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering (not doubting).
For he that wavers is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord." [Jms:1:5-7]

 I keep coming back to praying in faith. That's a hard thing to do, but for someone who knows how holy God is and how much He loves us and what he is capable of doing it should be effortless to pray in complete faith.
Why would I doubt God's ability? Why do I throw things at Him almost decidedly beforehand what is too much to ask or too extreme to perform?
I know he hears me, I know he answers me. He is so incredibly mighty and I know that my prayers are addressed. Each and every tiny one.
The definition of faith is to be fully confident and fully trusting.
So can I be full of faith when I'm just partially trusting?
I don't think so.

I feel like I have so much more growing to do in God's Word to understand His will, and that's such an exciting place to be right now! I do know that there's so much freedom in knowing He's in control when I hand up prayer to Him, and I can trust that He answers.

I'm sorry, I really feel like I just was strolling down the side walk and ran face first into a pot of treasure at the end of a rainbow. I'm pumped and enlightened, and I just really wanted to share!

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." - Psalm 150:6


Today is National Prayer Day.
Lifting up our country and it's direction.
Praying for those who are suffering and who are in bondage.
Lifting up the sick to Jesus.
Praying for the lost.
Praying in faith.

"And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him." [ Jms:5:15]

Please let me know if there's anything I can pray for you.

My Testimony

I always felt like I was a good person.

My morals were above standard, my conscience was usually always in over drive, and I was always a cheerful, generous, loving kind of person.

But I didn't know Jesus, and I was a little hungry for that.

I didn't grow up in a God-fearing and serving home. I had very little knowledge of the Bible.

I knew there was a heaven, though... and I'd heard of a hell, which obviously isn't the place you want to be.

So I knew if given a choice, surely I'd prefer the more pleasant of the two- aaaaand that would be heaven.

But there's all kinds of rules I have to live by to get there, huh? Tough. Because I was totally having a great time in my own world with my own rules. Oh well, I've got plenty of years ahead of me to open the Bible, sort out the rules, and good deed my way up to heaven.

This was my mentality throughout my teens, and I married my husband, my high school sweetheart 20 days before my 20th birthday. We were building our house together. We were loving being "pretend" parents to our spoiled Labradoodle. We were happy.

and then right before our one year wedding anniversary, I got pregnant.

I read that pregnancy test and a really cute and fuzzy future flashed before my eyes.

I saw myself folding laundry with a big plump baby belly.

I saw myself laughing and balancing bowls of ice cream and pickles on my belly.

I saw my happy husband rubbing my belly and feeling for little baby kicks.

aaaand then a nasty little disorder called Hyperemisis Gravardium kicked in when I was about 5 weeks, and I was horribly, terribly sick every day, all day for most of my entire pregnancy.

Most days in my first trimester I threw up at least 12 times a day.

I became so weak that I could no longer get up by myself without falling on the floor.

I became so dehydrated that I had to go in and out of the hospital for fluids.

Fainting was something I'd do untimely and when no one was around to help me.

On top of being miserably sick, my parents that were married for my entire life suddenly split up and divorced. The details of it all were really sad, disappointing, and a little bit devastating to me.  During the beginning of my sickness, before my Mom left my Dad,  sleep was the only and best part of my day/nights. Then once the pain and the details of their split onset I couldn't even sleep anymore. I felt robbed.

I felt alone, I felt discouraged, and I felt abandoned. I felt disgusted. I felt miserable.

I remember being on the bathroom floor sometime during my second trimester begging God to make it stop. I had thrown up for probably the tenth time that day. Every part of my body hurt and throbbed. I hadn't been able to keep anything down, not even water for two days. I was so drained physically and emotionally.

I was in so much pain from throwing up so often, I was all by myself most of the time, and I was tired of living every single day and night unable to even make it to the bathroom when I was sick. It hurt, and I was exhausted. I asked a God I didn't know that day to take it away. Just whatever He had to do to make it stop. I screamed and yelled and snotted my way into a breathing fit that I couldn't control.

 I was really angry. I was really sick. I was really scared.

The next day, I took a nap. When I woke up, I was bleeding, and I was far enough in my pregnancy to know bleeding wasn't good.

I raced to my doctors office where I found out there was a tear in my placenta.

My baby was given a 50% chance of making it that day. I was told the tear could heal itself in time, or it may continue to tear in which case there was nothing they could do and I'd lose my baby, my doctor seemed to be leaning closer towards the second option.

I went home terrified on a level I'd never been before.

Why did I ask God to take this away?

Didn't He know I meant the pain and sickness, not the baby?

Why couldn't I be one of those happy pregnant women sitting on the couch folding laundry and balancing bowls of ice cream on my belly?

Why did I do this to my baby?

I had so many questions and so many pleas, and I can honestly say I've never prayed so hard in my life.

On my knees, desperate kind of prayer.

Sparing you some of the the worser details of the in betweens...

I delivered a healthy 8.1lb baby girl a couple of long months later.

He heard me.

and I felt so amazed and so unworthy and so grateful.

I owed my baby to Him.

She is His, and I wanted to be able to give her to Him as well as give Him to her. 

I wanted her to have the kind of relationship with the Lord that I had always wanted, that I had never had. 
In order to do that for her, I had to first do it for myself.

I prayed for the Lord to put us where we should be.

Not just me, but us.

My husband, who was raised in the church, had a rough time growing up.

He had a lot of emotions, doubts, and feelings of abandonment.

I knew his heart wasn't right with the Lord, so I just prayed that God unite our marriage in Him so that we can do His work, and so that I could learn who He is.

I didn't want "church".

I didn't want legalistic to do lists.

I wanted God.

and I started to want Him bad.

God is amazing.

He heard me again.

Little ole me, out of all of these people with big needs.... He heard me.

and my husband brought us to a church service on Easter day when our daughter was 2 months old.
No pressure, no pushing. We just took that step...together.

Every Sunday since then, Philip takes us to a church where we stand up and sing and worship our God, where we sit down and listen to a message from Him.

But way more importantly than that, every day, since then, we pray, we love, we serve, and we live for Him.

In our marriage.

In our home.

In our children.

In our lives.

and He continues to hear me.

He continues to completely and incredibly amaze me.

and every single time I mess up, he forgives me.

Philip and I were born again in May of 2009 when we both accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior and the Lord of our life, and we actually were baptized together October of this year,2011.

I feel so thankful to have gone through this with my husband. We've been together for 9 years, and we were once a very different couple. It's incredible to listen to Philip lead us in amazing prayer and just think of where we used to be. If you asked the younger us if we'd be here right now, we'd have laughed.
I'm so glad that we came to realize God's will for us is way better than our own.

Over these two years we've been through a lot.

A lot of great things.

A lot of not so great things.

but A lot of love.

More love than I've ever known.

I remember hearing someone say a few years ago, "I hope you like singing and praising Jesus, because in heaven that's what we'll do all the time."

I remember thinking, "really? worship Jesus all the time? That's it? That's heaven??"

but now that I have a true, real relationship with Him, I cannot wait to get there. Seriously I imagine it all of the time. I cannot wait to meet Jesus.

When I'm in His presence, I feel my soul smile.

I could stay in it forever, and I'm so, so glad that through the price he paid for me that I get that chance.

Thank you Jesus!

"Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God" Ephesians 3:17-19

Sit Still and Observe

I've got dinner in the crock pot, dishes in the dishwasher, floors vacuumed, and babies napping-oh PLUS I've already been to Target, gotten the mail, and got laundry going.

This afternoon I have to deliver a dinner, pick up an order, pick up my babysitter, and then I get to go to Crossroads Pregnancy Resource's Fall Gala where I've been instructed to dress in 'business cocktail'. I don't know if I'm capable of nailing that on the head, but I'ma come real close seeing as I've got my fingernails painted nnn stuff. Oh yea, and I'm planning on fixing my hair too... faaaancy!

Anyway... I don't have time to edit these pictures, but they're so many good ones I can't help but to share. 

Yesterday evening while we were enjoying our outside play time I made a few observations:

Observation #1:

I love baby booty. I really do.

Observation #2:

That baby booty wants to Go! Go! Go! and I'm pretty sure if I'd have let him, he'd keep pace with that tricycle.

Observation #3:

Although when he was a baby, I thought he might have brown hair like me, I think it's growing in strawberry blonde like his sister's.

Observation #4:

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a pink tricycle. It looks fiiiiiiiiine on Addie, but sweet boyboy maybe would have preferred a cooler color in the future.

Observation #5:

Yea, he also probably would prefer a cooler toy. [Note, get more boy toys]

but while I watched these little feet pedal...

and these little feet wish they could pedal....

I just continually thank God that He's blessed me to borrow these little feet  and these little booties and these little smiles and these precious  little strawberry blonde hairs. While I love them so much, I know they're His, and I hope they grow up to serve and love Him all of their days!

One Day

I took the kids to the park the other day. 

We had time to kill before Daddy got home from work, Adeline had massive amounts of energy to burn by climbing the same slide over and over and over again, and Gideon had a sweet little nap to take in the warm sunshine.

It was just the 3 of us when we first arrived. Gideon watched leaves wave on the tree he was under while I pushed Adeline in a swing while she demanded that I twy to swing hew weally weally high! 

It was peaceful, it was quiet, it was serene. Then a single car full of on about 8 or so teenagers made an abrupt stop in two parking spots, and a herd of what Philip calls [skinny-jeaned, long-haired, headband-wearing] "hipsters"  jumped out.

Their cigarettes and lighters were out faster than their feet even hit the gravel. 

The girls were giggling, and the guys were making jokes in loud obnoxious voices. 

Mirrors/ headphones/ cellphones accompanied the hands that weren't holding beer cans. 

Each one of them grabbed a swing and don't you know my overly-friendly kid wanted to swing right next to them and talk to them and beg for a playmate on the slide a few feet away.

Some of the kids ignored her, some of them smiled as they tried to interpret what she was saying, and a couple of them made typical teenage remarks under his breath.

They were totally cool kids, and it didn't take long for them to realize that our company was a little too uncool.

So they took their cigarettes underneath the pavillian, while I tried to distract my daughter from following them.

I used to think I was cool like that.

and while part of me started to remember those days of mine that really aren't too historic yet, most of me was just consumed with sorrow.

I was really sorry that these pretty, young, girls felt desperate enough to be throwing themselves at these losers. 

I was really sorry that these guys seemed incapable of speaking a single sentence with out the f-bomb.

I was really sorry that the most important thing in these kid's lives seemed to probably be the high they got from whatever they were smoking/drinking/sexing.

I then realized how important my job is. 

I'm here to help raise these kids with a Holy heart.

I want these babies of mine to have a need to live and breath for Jesus. I want them to know His love.

Being "a good person" just isn't enough.

Calling ourselves "Christian" is stopping short.

I hope I can be the kind of parent God wants me to be. 

It's a really important job, you know. 

and while imagining my kids as teenagers and wondering what they might do while I'm not there is more than I'm wanting to think about right now. 

I know there is a little seed in them, and it's my job to nurture it so they can be something awesome. Now and for years and years to come.

Until then, I'm just going to keep pushing my innocent little baby on this park swing, while we watch the world and find our place.

Our Journey

I've always called myself a Christian, but I've never lived it until now.
I didn't grow up reading the Bible or knowing Jesus.
I just grew up trying to do good things and being a good person thinking that's the ticket to heaven.

I'd often pray to God for something only really trying to bargain with him and make a deal.
"Dear God if you can just make Philip and me be together I promise I'll start going to church...."
I specifically remember this prayer that I prayed around 14 or 15, probably because I got what I wanted, but never held up my end of the deal. That was usually how the bargain prayers went.

Philip and I decided we wanted to start our family in May 2008. I got off of my birth control on May 9th, and we found out we were pregnant on May 28th of that month.
I had hyperemisis for this pregnancy too, and as I've kind of touched on before it's a physically and mentally exhausting condition.
I remember probably around 11 weeks pregnant I was 6 weeks into being dehydrated, not keeping food or water down, and just being miserable.
I was hovering over the toilet begging God to make it stop.
I didn't care what had to happen for it to stop, not even if I didn't have to be pregnant anymore, and although it was painful to say out loud. I think I did.
2 weeks later I had what they called a threatened miscarriage.
There was a tear in the placenta, and Adeline was given a 50% chance of surviving, which leaves the other 50% chance.....
I. hated. myself.
I knew it was my fault, I knew I'd indirectly asked for it, and I knew that I didn't even deserve the one thing I used to want so badly.

I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before.
and I didn't even really know who I was praying to.
Obviously I knew I was praying to God, but by no means did I know Him.

I was put on pelvic rest.
I was taking 21 hours of college courses walking across campus daily.
My parents who had been together for 22 years were getting a sudden and unexpected divorce.
I was still sick every day.
and the thought of losing our baby haunted me every hour I was awake, and even some when I was asleep.
I was depressed, I was lonely, and I didn't know what to do other than to pray to a God I didn't know.

I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I'd ever seen, and I knew I owed it to her to give her to God.
She needed to grow up learning about Him and getting to know Him in a way that I'd never experienced.
Actually I needed that for me too.

I'd imagine her asking me questions, and I knew I'd be unable to answer them.
I knew that as a parent my duty was to give her all of the information, love, and knowledge I possibly can so that she can make decisions in a way that He would be proud of.

My husband knew my desire to learn and know, but he's had deeper struggles with the Lord than I ever could even imagine. He was reluctant at first, but when Adeline was 2 months old, and we decided that we'd start going to church.

So we went every Sunday 9am.
We sat down, we listened, we left, and we repeated next Sunday.

and for a while I felt like I was doing the right thing.
I was being a good mom, a good wife, and a good woman.
That's what I thought.

Then we were invited to a young marrieds bible study.
We loved it.
and I'm saying WE!
It wasn't just me anymore that was anxious to go deeper, but Philip actually was the one encouraging our going and learning and praying.
He took a real leadership role in our journey, and for that I'm so thankful to God for.

I eventually joined a few ladies bible studies, and while I was really trying to commit myself, I was just doing what I needed to do to appear as though I was doing the right thing. I'd scan through the study lessons and write only the minimum of what I thought and only what I considered might be looked at by others in the group during the next lesson.

I can blame that on "being new to this" or "not understanding", but I knew I wasn't commiting myself to my fullest potential, and I was kind of afraid to.

I liked my life the way it was, I was blessed and taken care of, and happy and having fun.
I felt like I didn't want to rock all of it.

I'm so glad I did.
I've got so much more to learn, and so much more to do, but I can honestly, genuinely say that I know Jesus and I love him with all of my heart.

I used to think the Bible was difficult to understand, intimidating, and out of date.
The more I dig into it now the more I am amazed at how relevant it is, and how graceful and beautiful the Word of God is.
Every night that I learn more, I just want to call someone and tell them how exciting these words are, and how much He loves us.

I'm becoming so much more confident in teaching my children why we're here and what we're supposed to do, and I'm becoming so much more confident in who I am in general.
God has really allowed me to learn my soul, and I've learned so much about my husband too.

We are so intensely blessed, and I am beyond excited as we keep getting deeper into learning our Lord.
I guess I've just been extra excited about it lately, so I felt like sharing.

This is my blog where I share what I do, think, and love.
and while sometimes it may not be popular or cool this is my spot and I do with it what I want.
and today I wanted to really just share with you how happy He has made me and our family and how grateful I am for Him.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. :)
Have a beautiful day!