A Little Vacation

Friday morning I checked into the hospital for some fluids. At first I felt terrible and defeated and super down. I was really tired too. It's really embarrassing for me to have to go in and go through the process of getting admitted because when I'm that low I can't walk and all I do is cry. (The nurse who started (and failed 3 times) my IV asked while I sniffled and moaned "Is this your first pregnancy?" No my third "Oh, how old is your oldest?" three. "OH HAHA WOW" and my soft cry goes from hysterical I cannot breathe cry. "I'll stop talking so you stop crying." thank you.) I hadn't kept anything down for two days, and I couldn't sleep through the nausea at night so I puked instead of slept. Yea, that's exhausting. When it gets really hard like that sometimes I just have to rehydrate to get back on my feet. Once I got some fluids and meds and my throat started to heal I was feeling better I was totally cool with it though.

They didn't even make me wear a hospital gown this time. 

SCORE!

Plus I got wheeled to ultrasound (and passed the cafeteria where they were FRYING FISH at 10am!!! Stupid fish.) and got to see a sweet little baby moving about in my belly. 

and baby was suckin' a thuuuuuumb! 

DOUBLE SCORE!

I didn't have to keep down meds because they went through my IV. 

I didn't have to eat a thing because the fluids were my food, and we had to let my throat and esophagus heal so it'd stop bleeding from the rawness of acid erosion.  

I didn't have to change diapers, wipe butts, pick up spills, and feed and chase children for two days!

While I do not typically enjoy my stays here at the hospital, this one felt like a vacation. 

You know, minus the beach and water and plus the needles.

It's weird, but it was kinda of nice not throwing up for two days and not even having to force myself to eat. 

Philip's been working so much I hardly ever see him anymore, but lucky for me he felt sorry enough for me to take off of work and keep me company.

 

 We pretty much just did this: 

-watched Mr. Deeds

-exceeded our data plans on iphone words with friends and family fued

and when he went home I slept WITHOUT having to wake up to take anyone to the bathroom or change a diaper or walk a dog.

 

I came home with a new love for Sprite, which I'm sure I'll be over by Tuesday or something.

I missed my babies so it was good to cuddle on them again. 

Then life resumed and I was back on duty.

Being on duty is a lot easier when I feel well.

Oh well, at least no one is waking me up to check my vitals anymore.

I had a dream baby was a girl a while back so I've been convinced we'd get another sister. Now I'm starting to second guess and think baby is a boy. So since I'm all confused and can't make up my mind I put up a poll over there top right of the blog. Tell me what you think it is. I'm usually always wrong, and for Adeline it seemed like everyone guessed girl and for Gideon everyone guessed boy. So you're pretty much probably righter than me in gender guessing my baby.

:) 

We will know in March! 

A Post for Someone

I know I have a lot of things I want to update here, but for right now I wanted to write about something on my heart. It's probably a post most will want to skip, so you've been warned of wordy rambling to follow.

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about my journey so far with my third pregnancy. It's something I want to share with someone who needs it. If I click under my blog stats I see how a lot of googlers make it to my blog. I get some funny searches leading to some of my funnier past posts, craft or project searches leading to some of my crafty posts, and then I get some genuine searches that lead some to some really heartfelt posts of mine. I was a desperate mother to be searching for something like this at one time, so if you're out there...this is heart, body, and mind felt, and this is for you! 

This is a post about hyperemesis gravidarum, and I'm writing it more for someone out there to stumble upon.
When I was first diagnosed with Adeline's pregnancy, I googled and searched everything for anything I could find on it. This is a disorder that affects less than 1% of pregnancies and there is very, very little research on it at all, so most of my searches were just dead ends leading to pages stating symptoms but not solutions and saying there wasn't much research because of how little it effects most women and their pregnancies.Doctors, hospital staff, and google all let me down on there.  I vomited from 6 weeks-40 weeks up until 2 hours before I had my baby. I had to be admitted into the hospital for dehydration which induced cramping and contractions around 11 weeks. My pregnancy was miserable from 6 weeks to about 20 weeks where I went from throwing up 5-10 times a day to just 2 or 3 times a day on a good day until birth. I lost 25lbs with this pregnancy. Nausea was with me every minute of every day the entire way. I think I fainted three times during this pregnancy, 2 of which I was alone for. Depression, which was something brand new to me and my body sunk in around 9 weeks and lingered around until 18 weeks. The moment I had my baby the nausea and grossness left my body. There wasn't much anyone could do for me or explain to me. It was what it was, so I dealt with it.

When we started talking about baby #2, I searched desperately for anything on the web, blogs, forums, medical information, anything on whether or not I'd be doomed to the same disorder in another pregnancy. The most I came across was the same advice from my doctors which was "every pregnancy is different" accompanied with a shoulder shrug.  I had a lot of hope in that, but was immediately discouraged when a bout of that distinct pregnancy nausea clued me in on the fact that I was indeed pregnant again. Hyperemisis returned and it was vicious. from 5 weeks-21 weeks I was the sickest I'd ever been in my life. I vomited a minimum of 5 times a day and as much as 15 times a day. There were days at a time I could not even keep down water. I grew so weak that I couldn't even get myself off of the couch alone. My husband was working months at a time out of state, so I had to have my sister move in with me for a few weeks to help lift my toddler out of her crib in the morning and then to help me just function. My heart raced from moving, and I quickly lost about 45lbs. I was admitted into the hospital for fluids and to regain my strength. Depression and a deep sense of anger consumed me for weeks. I would vision myself breaking plates, screaming, and destroying my house. In reality there were times I didn't even have enough strength to open my mouth to talk. Philip came back home from Pennsylvania after being gone a month and a half, and when he walked through the door he looked at me laying on the couch and said, "You don't even look like you. I didn't know it was so bad, your legs don't even look like your legs. Oh God." Visitors came and never came back. I was miserable to be around. I was hurting, upset, and lonely. I lost all bladder control during vomiting, and eventually I had problems with vomiting blood from the stomach acids that ate away the lining of my esophagus. Around 20 weeks the throwing up eased off and I was up to just vomiting a few times a day until the night I had my baby, which much like my first made it all worth it.

Okay so if google led you here, to this post those two accounts are probably scary. Or maybe refreshingly relate-able? I remember just wanting to read that someone else out there was as sick as I was and they made it through it. If you're looking for tips, have questions, or want to know some of the things that worked for me (as in habits not products because I couldn't find one product to relieve anything) please, please email me at CourtneyKeb@hotmail.com put Hyperemesis gravidarum or something like that in the subject line so that if it goes to my junk mail I can make sure to grab you! I mean I wish I had a phone line for you to call so I could talk to you! I know how desperate I was for answers, empathy, relief, anything.Seriously though, email me and I'll be so happy to talk.

My husband was going to get a vasectomy during my second pregnancy. We didn't end up going through with it because in our hearts we knew we could possibly want more children, aaaand he was semi chicken. After Gideon, my second was born, Philip almost immediately kept telling me how he wanted another baby. I kind of wanted to punch him for that, but after months of him telling me so I started considering one day doing it again. I thought that day would be a lot further away, but I found out I was pregnant for my third in December. Panic set over me and wore out my google search engine that day! "Hyperemesis gravidarum in third pregnancy?" "Likelihood of hyperemesis in other pregnancies" "Hyperemesis reoccurring in multiple pregnancies" were just a few of the ways I tried to break it down in searching. The internet can be a great thing sometimes, but sometimes it can just be scary. I found a little more on the disorder when I researched it in December. There were two more medical university studies done since I had last checked which didn't have any conclusive results. Even more disappointing was a support forum I found on a parenting forum for women diagnosed with HG. I was stoked when I found the support forum but my heart sank so low when I began reading some of the women's stories. Most of the women had chosen to abort their baby after suffering with hyperemesis for a few weeks. Some women later on in their pregnancies when they felt as though they could not take it anymore, and a lot of women after just suffering for a could of weeks with it. I prayed so hard that day for those women. I prayed for the women who took a child's life away because they suddenly found theirs unbearable. I prayed for the women out there that chose to keep their baby and continued to suffer with hyperemesis. I prayed for strength for you, and strength for me. I know how hard it is. I'm actually going to be honest and say I know how it is to not want your baby anymore. It's a sick feeling. Literally, you feel wicked and twisted and selfish, but you feel done, exhausted, and resentful. Because when your body gets so physically deteriorated then your mind just jumps down there with it, and you think you cannot take another day.

But you can.
I promise.

This pregnancy has been very different. We found out we were pregnant, and we prayed. We prayed so hard. We prayed/pray for a healthy baby to come at the end of this season. We pray for my strength and my faith and my body. We prayed and declared we would not claim this disorder this time. We thanked God for the children we have, and we thanked Him for finding us worthy of carrying another. We prayed in the Word, and we read His word especially during weak moments. Prayer is void without faith. I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I believe He lives. He is my healer.  Even through the rough days or nights I seek Him, and I know He is with me. We didn't tell a single family member or anyone we knew would have negative thoughts or comments. We told a few of our family in Christ, and they were so happy for us, more importantly they were happy to pray for us, with us, and over us. I felt so special and so unbelievably thankful and grateful God placed these people into our lives. Philip and I love ya'll, I felt their prayers, and I'm so blessed for that. Having such a close relationship with Jesus made and is making a world of difference in this pregnancy. He places people in your lives that lift you up, and when you find that hold on to them!

I have been sick this pregnancy, but it is no where near the levels that I've been sick before. I am 12 weeks pregnant, and I have not been admitted into the hospital. It's looking like I won't even need a reboot of fluids or extra care too! I throw up 1 or 2 times a day on my good days, and while yes sometimes I do have rough days where it's  increased, I never go more than a day without keeping something down. I'm hydrated, I can walk by myself, and I can take care of the two precious gifts running around and creating extra chaos. I've only lost 15lbs this pregnancy, and my heart rate has been completely normal. Depression is so foreign to me. Although I do have my days where hormones are elevated and I cry at night because I miss Gracie or because I'm sad Philip has to work late evenings and weekends temporarily, but mostly my mind is clean. My mind is on Him, where it should be all the time. I even threw my kids a birthday party last weekend (yea, a big one with 67 people AND food!) At this point in my previous pregnancies I was either in the hospital, stranded on the bathroom floor, or unable to even walk alone. God has been so gracious to me, and he has taught me so much. I'm so grateful and my heart is so full. I feel blessed not cursed to be carrying this baby.

I feel like this third go round has brought a lot of trial and errors to tips and truths too. I have some tricks and stuff that I do to keep myself from getting sick or too sick. I started sharing some, but since I've already written a novel, I erased it and if you're interested in talking or just want some support or encouragement email me! I just felt like if someone, even just one person was like me and is frantically searching the internet for some hope with this sickness that I could offer you that. I have a lot of posts from summers of 2008 and 2010 about where my head was at when I was sick with my first two pregnancies. I don't know if that will offer you much encouragement, but maybe just more relief that you aren't dying and other women do go through this.

I have a really tender heart for women who want to be mothers but have struggles and difficulties getting there. I have friends and family we have prayed for with infertility or past infertility struggles, and my heart has ached for them so badly. Sometimes I think it's easier on my heart to turn to prayer for them when I feel like it's hard or difficult carrying a baby. I'm sure it hurts them to see women blessed with this gift and then just complaining about the process. Hyperemesis gravidarum is so hard, but at the end the ten months you get a baby. Eyes on the prize, I know it's hard to hear when you're hurting, but it will be so worth it.

I have been praying for you!
CourtneyKeb@hotmail.com

Here I Am.

My my, I bury myself away for a few weeks and your babies grow, your hair styles change, and you all continue living life.
Don't you know that when my world stops, the whole world should?
Haha no,  I've learned that isn't true.

Well here I am.
Sitting up in my bed.

It's true that I haven't been doing too well in the passed weeks, but I feel a bit of relief now that I've spent some time in the hospital and they've got me a little back on my feet. 

In the passed couple of months I haven't been anywhere besides the doctor and the hospital.
I haven't seen many people.
I didn't answer calls.
Rarely even read texts.
I didn't even.... open the lap top.

Yea, I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
There is no cure, and for me no effective treatment.
It effects on average only 1% of pregnant women, and as I tend to be... I am in the unlucky few.

It. is. miserable.

I had it while I was pregnant for Adeline, but I was undiagnosed.
This pregnancy I was diagnosed pretty early since the symptoms were raging and much worse much earlier than my previous pregnancy.

This illness took over my entire body and eventually my mind.
I was, and am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhuasted.

Throwing up just sucks.
For me, it's just as involuntary and now as normal as breathing.
I have my good days, where I'm sick all day, but I can manage to keep some form of nutrition down at some point in the day, and I'll only throw up 4-6 times.

Then I have my more frequent bad days where water doesn't even stay down, and I throw up 10-15 times.
Those days are rough.

Your stomach muscles become so tender.
Your regular muscles become so weak.
Your breath and mouth taste so disgusting you can't even open up to talk.
Your dizzy, and hurting, and tired but can't sleep without rolling over to be sick.

This illness puts me in such a bad and bitter place no one even wants to be around me.
and as much as it sucks, and I hate to admit it
that's when I need people around me the most.

I can't get off of the couch alone.
I can't throw up with out peeing all over myself. (I go through a lot of underwear.)
The simple task of moving to the bathroom is enough to raise my heart rate up so high that it feels as though my entire body is preparing itself for a heart attack.
I get so incredibly HOT.
I feel very, very alone.
Brushing my hair will leave my arms sore the next day.
The energy my body uses to take a shower accompanied with the heat from a shower is enough to make me pass out.
Hyperventilating is uncontrollable.

and then on the emotional side of things:
I felt crazy. No, real crazy.
Like "If I had the energy to say this out loud or even pick up my hand by myself right now I'd want to break every plate in the kitchen."
Really, I'd fantasize about breaking things, about screaming at people, about dark things and sometimes even not waking up.
I didn't want to be pregnant anymore.
I resented my baby.
I resented myself for ever even imagining that anything more than Adeline would fufill me more than I had already been.
I hated the dog only because she was heavy. If she were laying on my legs I just simply couldn't get up.
I spent every morning crying because I just woke up.
Then  I'd cry because I was  alone.
That would lead into crying because I couldn't be a parent. I couldn't be anything.
So my curtains stayed drawn and I stayed in bed until 10:30 just sitting in the dark crying.

My mother in law lives next door, so every morning she'd have to be the one to take Adeline out of her crib.
I couldn't even lift her anymore.
My sister had to spend the nights here. Feeding, bathing, and putting my child to bed were all now impossible tasks for me.

Philip was in Pennsylvania for the whole month of July.
That was when it was roughest.

I needed help, but I didn't want help.
I was mortified, gross, and no fun to be around.
No one wanted to be around me either, and who can blame them?

Last week I gave it all up and let them take me to the hospital.
It sometimes feels pointless with this illness because nothing helps.
Not the meds, not fluids, not rest.
Nothing.

I've been to the hospital with this before, and they pump you with fluids and send you on your way.

You still wake up feeling like crap.
and all you've got to show are a bunch of medical bills and sticky tape residue all over your arms.

I felt like it was my last resort.
My brain was in a bad place, and if I didn't get a change of scenery and some help soon I felt like I could have done something that I don't even want to think about anymore.

and 
I'M A HAPPY PERSON!
No history of depression.
Nothing. I just wasn't made to feel this way.

I felt as though God wasn't hearing my prayers and my pleas. I was becoming bitter and mad at him.
I felt like he abandoned me and my daughter.
I felt all kind of things.

"It will all be worth it in the end" seemed like fighting words to me.
Everyone said that to me.
No one knew that I just didn't want to hear that.




I had been vomiting blood for a few days, and passing out more frequently so what did I have to lose?

I'm glad I went.
I spent a few days in the hospital, and it helped.

I was throwing up blood because the stomach acid I'd been vomiting had worn away the lining of my throat and probably esophagus. I was passing out from being so dehydrated.
I'd lost 35 pounds from not being able to keep anything-anything down for 4 weeks.

I didn't need a doctor to tell me those things.

I already knew.
"You're just a rare case, and there's really just nothing more we can do for you."
Yea I know that.

My levels were low, and I let them keep me as long as it took to get them back up again.

With hyperemesis it always sucks, but if you're dehydrated-it REALLY sucks.
So yea,
I've healed my throat, and I'm staying hydrated.

It just feels as though I've been so robbed.
I can't do the things I normally do.
I can't enjoy being pregnant-at all.
I can't even begin to fathom going through this again, so I can't have the big family I dreamed about.

Gee,
this is such a downer post, eh?

Hoping to be heading towards some better days.
I'm maybe 13 weeks by now?

Philip's home and he's been helping out so much.
He's proven to be such a great daddy through all of this, and Adeline's been so much happier now that he's around again for another couple of weeks.

I hope someone like me who is helplessly and hopelessly searching the internet for someone out there who feels the same as she does finds this blog entry.
It's hard to find someone to relate to with all of these foreign and pitiful emotions flushing your brain.

Hopefully I'll be happy posting some time again soon. :)